Random thoughts for a Thursday

October 6, 2011 at 12:48 pm (Uncategorized)

I haven’t had much to blog about lately. Joseph and I celebrated our one year anniversary, quietly and simply.
My mom is dealing with the remnants of thyroid cancer. She starts radiation in two weeks and she is so exhausted. It is hard to be 2.5 hours away. I can’t help her, clean for her, cook for her. I can’t get the things she needs. Luckily, she has my dad and has had him for 32 years.
I find myself having jealousy issues towards those who are pregnant and/or have babies. I would have been twelve weeks this week but my baby never got “out of the woods”.
On the other hand, we are now free to do as we please, travel, sleep in and not worry about another life. This brings about the issue of selfishness. Deep down, I want to continue being selfish, to not bring a baby into the mix because it’s hard, tiring and completely changes your life. When you are someone who likes order and control, it is hard to think about losing that control.
Outside, the weather is fickle. Cold, warm, hot. Cold, warm, hot. Forever changing in what people call Indian Summers.
But it is time for bon fires, marshmallows and cider (or apple pie moonshine). It is time to pull out the sweaters but not yet time to put summer clothing away.
I find myself missing those I love so dearly. So much that my heart aches. I miss my mom and dad, I miss my sister, Katelyn, I miss my best friend, Vanessa.
I am missing out on their lives. Facebook can only do so much.

Anyway. Go listen to William Fitzsimmons.

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Dallas/Oklahoma here I come!

September 15, 2011 at 5:57 pm (Uncategorized)

In a little over a month I will be hopping on a plane and heading to the midwest where people dress in cowboy boots and ten gallon hats. Right?
Well, maybe not…
I will be flying into Dallas where I will be picked up by the gorgeous Vanessa. After a night on the town (which will probably involve a virgin drink for her and a spiked beverage for myself) we will head to Lawton, Oklahoma.

Some things I want to do in Dallas:

I would like to visit the flight museum…I think it would be awesome.
http://www.flightmuseum.com/

Of course I have to visit the Dallas Cowboys Stadium since they are my dad’s favorite football team! http://stadium.dallascowboys.com/

Some things I want to do while in Oklahoma:

Sing the entire score of Oklahoma!:

Just kidding…

I do want to relax and visit with Vanessa, Rory and Lana. By the time I go out there, Vanessa will be 34 weeks pregnant so i am sure we will spend a lot of time chatting over coffee (well at least I’ll be dirnking coffee) and watching chick-flicks while eating popcorn and tons of chocolate…because you know Baby Lana has to have chocolate.

The National Cowboy Museum…don’t ask. I like Will Rogers, what can I say?http://www.nationalcowboymuseum.org/

And of course, the site of the Oklahoma City Bombing.    http://www.oklahomacitynationalmemorial.org/

Are there any other places that I should see while I am there?

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A little less

September 15, 2011 at 12:40 pm (Uncategorized)

Everyday the sting of loss hurts a little less. Mainly because of the grace that our Father blesses me with everyday and the constant reminders he gives of love and restoration.

Also, the people I have been surrounded with. My husband, mom, lifegroup, family and friends.

I have learned much through the process. I learned that sometimes, I cannot grieve alone like I like to do. Sometimes the tears have to fall on someones shoulders. I was able to get a glimpse into motherhood, what it is like to care for someone so completely without ever seeing their face. 

Sometimes my hand still gravitates towards where Lord Voldemort was nestled in my tummy. And while I know that he is no longer there, I know that he has paved the way for our next little one.

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On loss and love

September 7, 2011 at 8:09 pm (Thoughts)

I’m not sure how to start this post… but here we go:

On September 25,  which would be mine and Joseph’s 1 year anniversary, we were going to announce that we were expecting an amazing little baby. I would have said that I was due April 14 and that we were hoping it to be a boy (though any sex would do). We would have been congratulated and doted upon. We would have started our baby registry and around Thanksgiving we would have found out the sex of the baby. (And hopefully through the process I would have gotten over my fear of needles…eesh).

But sometimes things don’t work out. On Sunday, September 4th I began the process of miscarrying. I believe we completely lost the baby on Monday. I never really thought about what it would be like to have a miscarriage. I knew many of my loved ones have been through it but I didn’t really know what the process was like and I didn’t know about the physical and emotional pain.

It is surreal. Sometimes, I can’t believe it. After only 8 weeks, the baby had already become such a huge part of Joseph and I. I want so badly to go back.

I would place my hands over my tummy like I was holding the most precious gift, and I was. I wanted to hold him forever, to keep him safe and cradled until he was ready to come out into the world. My hand still wants to go there to protect him, to keep him in place.

My sister had christened the baby with a name: Lord Voldemort. Not a conventional name to give a precious baby, but it was uniquely his none-the-less. Prior to finding out that I was pregnant, Katelyn was looking through a stage-by-stage pregnancy book. While looking at one of the photos of a baby, she exclaimed “that looks like Lord Voldemort.” From then on, the baby in my tummy was known as Lord Voldemort (or Lord Volde for short).

The thought of how big the baby was, how already at 8 weeks, the baby has eyes with eyelids, its little hands and feet are forming. He is about the size of a raspberry. A little raspberry was in my tummy. The thought put me in a constant state of awe – that I was growing a little person.

While there is tremendous sadness and feelings of loss, there are always feelings of happiness – the baby had already brought so much joy to our lives. Joseph and I gained new titles: that of mommy and daddy.

The wound is still fresh, I go through moments of pure sadness thinking of how “I wanted that baby…no other…just that one”. I wonder “why” and “what if”.  But through it all, God is good. He knows the answers to all my “whys” and “what ifs”. And I trust Him with it.

For a slight moment in our lives, we got to experience a different kind of love.  One that will be with us until we pass on.

We cannot thank everyone enough – those that have called, texted and visited. Thank you for loving us.

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When you think you have…..

August 18, 2011 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

hardwood floors underneath two inches of badly laid tile/laminate/wooden veneer, make sure to double check because more than likely, you don’t.

Exhibit A:

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Question of the day

August 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm (Uncategorized)

Why is Shark Week so revered?
It’s a complete week dedicated to one of the world’s greatest predators.
The Discover Channel shows massive amounts of shark-related video…and honestly people….you are probably watched the same sharky-shark-shark clip 100 times.
There are videos of dedicated to:
Top 10 Clips of Sharks Jumping
Top 10 Shark Attack Videos
Top 35 Great White Shark Videos
Top 10 Weird Sharks
Top 10 Videos of Sharks Riding on Unicorns.

Okay…I made that last one up. But why, oh why, is there a week dedicated to Sharks?
What about the armadillos and aardvark? Why don’t they have a week?

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The saddest story ever told…

July 27, 2011 at 8:11 pm (Entertainment)

There is a poll conducted by Fox News that asked the question: Which film makes you cry the most?

Scientists at the Smithsonian found that the 1979 flick, “The Champ” was the winner.

Since I have never seen the tearjerker, I cannot comment on how valid the answer is but I can list my top 5 tearjerker movies (in no particular order):

1. Titanic – End Scene

I will admit, the first time I saw this movie in the theatre, I was crying the moment the music started at the beginning of the movie. Prior to the movie, (in my 7th grade glory), I had conducted research on the Titanic, the people aboard and its history. I was connected. I felt as if I was a part of this movie. The scene I was to highlight is the end scene; you see old Rose lying on a bed, the camera pans to a line of photographs of young rose doing all of the things that Jack and Rose talked about doing. Then camera then goes through the sunken Titanic, then you are back on the intact ship. You end up at the grande staircase where Jack and Rose are reunited for eternity. Give me a tissue, please.

2. Bambi – Death of Bambi’s Mom

Don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t cry whenever Bambi’s mother was shot. You know you did.

3. Moulin Rouge – Death of Satine

It never fails, every time I watch this movie…which…I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen this movie…I cry. I bawl. I use a whole box of tissues. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.”

4. Steel Magnolias – M’Lynn’s monologue on Shelby’s Death

This scene is both heartwrenching and funny. “Take a whack at Ouiser!”

5. What Dreams May Come – the whole movie

I bawled throughout this movie. There is so much sadness…and so much beauty.

Some other movies that deserve to be on the list:

Up, Million Dollar Baby, The Notebook, The Lion King, Passion of the Christ….and there are so many more.

What makes your list?

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Things I love…

July 22, 2011 at 3:39 pm (Thoughts)

Here are a few things I love. They are romantic, whimsical, sweet, beautiful and some of them are downright unpractical. That’s okay though: Enjoy! (Click on the photo to go to the Etsy shop!)

I found these cuffs on Etsy by JezebelCharms. The cuffs are made out of brass and are printed with quotes and photos. Love, love, love!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/JezebelCharms?ref=pr_shop_more

If you have been around me lately, you know I have a thing for birds. One day while in Michael’s I saw these cute, antique-looking ceramic birds. On the display they had said birds perched on top of old, worn out books. Thus began my obsession with the whimsical little creatures.

This lariat necklace features a twig and sparrow and is different and beautiful! 

This photo took my breath away. It makes me long for the ocean. I don’t know why but there is something nostalgic about sea oats.

I also wanted to feature one of my dear friend’s Etsy shop. She doesn’t have anything for sale but I know she makes the most gorgeous paper roses. To all the guys that read this blog, I urge you to order your wife a dozen or so of these beautiful roses. They are shabby/cottage-chic. I have two sitting on the buffet in my dining room and they add an understated beauty to the room. She can make them in any color and even…wait for it….book pages!!!! Eeek! I swoon over anything book related.

Edit: I can’t believe that I forgot about my own sis-in-love’s etsy shop!!!! Guys…she is such a talented painter among other things. I couldn’t decide which painting I loved best so I will post both of them.

 

What’s your favorite Etsy shop? Have you bought anything from Etsy?

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Kettle Corn

July 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm (Nom noms (Recipes))

There is this group. The group consists of 3 ladies (not including myself) that I love and adore.
Because I love and adore said ladies, I decided to make them kettle corn for our weekly meeting.
The popcorn was a medley of salty, sweet, crunchy and chewy. Perfect, in fact.
Just in case you want to make some salty, sweet kettle corn for a group of amazing ladies, or if you just want to make it for yourself, see below:

1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup popcorn kernels
1/4 cup sugar
Salt (to taste)

In a large pot with a tight-fitting lid, heat the oil over medium-high heat and add two or three kernels of popcorn. When you hear two or three pops, quickly add the popcorn and sprinkle the sugar over the kernels. Cover and shake the pan violently until the popping slows down. Remove from the heat and toss with the salt.

Voila! You have kettle corn for yourself and those you love. If you want really sticky, sweet popcorn, add a bit more sugar.
I will note that when I say “shake violently”, I mean shake like you have never shook anything before. Don’t shake it like a Polaroid picture. Don’t shake it like a salt shaker.
Shake it like it’s your job.

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Insomnia

July 17, 2011 at 1:49 pm (Thoughts)

I like definitions, so I will start this post by defining.

In.som.ni.a [in-som-nee-uh] –  inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic;difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

I have officially, unofficially self-diagnosed myself with this “disorder”. Typically, I find it hard to go to sleep. Joseph is usually in snoozeland before I can say, “good night honey”. (Seriously, his head hits the pillow and 5-seconds later he is out. Cold.)

My typical night looks like this:

10:30 pm – Lay down

10:35 pm- Turn over on my side

10:40 pm- Turn over on my other side

10:45 pm- Return to Go. Do not collect $200

11:00 pm – Count sheep that start out as cute, fluffy Serta sheep and end up as zombie sheep

11:05 pm – Pray that said zombie sheep don’t eat me

11:15 pm – My mind begins to drift

11:30-midnight – At some point during this time, I fall asleep

2:31 pm – My mind drifts out of dreamland

2:32 pm- Elbow Joseph to deter him from snoring

2:33 pm- Lie awake until the cycle comes back around (minus the zombie sheep)

Almost every night this cycle occurs and for some reason I always wake up between 2:15 and 3:00 am and have the hardest time falling back into blissful slumber.

Oh to be Sleeping Beauty or Snow White; to fall asleep and stay that way, maybe not eternally, but at least for an 8 hour period.

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