Oldest photo that we have online. From 2006...I need to work on getting older photos.

You see, Vanessa dated my brother their freshman year of high school. If you have a younger sibling, you know how annoying they can be (I being the younger sibling). Vanessa would call my brother and he would call her and spend hours on the phone talking about who knows what. This annoyed me. I had friends to call and  Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Hanson to talk about. I disliked Vanessa. She took up too much phone time and she was dating my brother so automatically I thought she was gross.

The next year, I tried out for the school musical. I remember seeing her at tryouts and thinking “oh, great. Just who I want to see.” It was my first year and high school, her and my brother had since broken up but I still didn’t want to see her every week.

God had other plans. At some point during one of the first practices for “Once Upon A Mattress”, we started talking. Slowly, a friendship began to form between us and we haven’t looked back.

Our friendship grew. We went through awkward phases together, many failed relationships (both romantic and friendship), bachelor and master degrees, family drama, we have both survived heart wrenching miscarriages and have had many laughs and many tears.

We have had our disagreements and fights but have always forgiven each other. We have stood by each other during both of our weddings. We have survived despite a 1,200 miles separation (soon to be 2,900 miles as her and her family are relocating to Fort Lewis, Washington). She has taught me what friendship is and has become my sister. We have formed a bond that many people never have.

As our high school theatre teacher, Wayne Canady, used to say, “You are lucky to find two, true friends in your lifetime.” And it is true. But I have found at least one.

From our trip to New York City

So, whenever Vanessa told me that she was pregnant last year, I was elated and scared. She had miscarried two years before during a time in our friendship where we weren’t talking. It was her husband who messaged me about the miscarriage and my heart broke for her.

But she was finally pregnant again. Each week I prayed for her and her little peanut. As each week passed I was always relieved to know that mama and baby were doing well. Then we found out she was having a baby girl and we rejoiced. I was able to fly out in November to see her and her pregnant belly. I got to see her waddle like a duck and glow. Having a pregnant friend that is far away is so, so hard. I wanted to be able to walk with her through the pregnancy, to touch her belly and feel the kicks, to laugh at her when she couldn’t get up off the sofa but then eventually lend a hand. Luckily, I got to do all of that during my brief stay in Oklahoma.

Baby Lana Josephine Keating was born on December 23 at 9:28 pm. She was 8 lbs and 21 1/2 inches long. She is the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen! I cannot wait until she gets older so I can tell her all of the shenanigans that her mom and I used to get into. (After she is 21, of course).

Congratulations, Rory and Vanessa on bringing a beautiful baby into the world. I pray that she grows up to have the same integrity and beautiful soul that both of you possess.

It would be easy to forget that they are merely water vapor and step out onto them thinking you would be enveloped by the softest fibers on earth – only to fall through, tumbling down through the mist and light.
It breaks my heart that I can’t play among the clouds. Skipping from one to the other. Cupping the matter in my hands and throwing it in the air for it to fall back down. Lying in the cradle of comfort with the one I love while he plays with my hair.

It’s a shame.

This morning my windshield was fogged over, everything outside was blurry and I could barely see out. While many of you are thinking, “wow…that is dangerous” yes…it probably is; however, I wasn’t driving. 

As I sat there, looking out of the greyish glass, I reflected that the past year felt exactly like what I was seeing. Cloudy, blurry, indistinguishable. I flipped on my wipers and things became clearer. There were still streaks of moisture…I realized I need new wiper blades.

I am in desperate need of new life. For God to come in and take over. It has been so long since I have felt anything: motivation, pure joy, etc… I am numb to everything, going through the motions of everyday life, doing just what needs to be done. I take little to no joy in what I am doing.

Two weeks ago, at Life Group, I felt the Holy Spirit. Before you stop reading and think I’m nuts…let me explain. We were around a table sharing prayer requests. Two girls agreed to pray (one of them not being me). As the first girl began to pray, I felt a strong urge to pray for one of the girls that has trouble sleeping. She wakes up feeling held down as if something is holding her.

So, the first girl continued praying and I felt really hot and my heart started racing. I was going to ignore the promt to pray but once she was finished praying I blurted out the prayer. It was short but I couldn’t help but crying…though I really didn’t know why I was crying. And my hands started to sweat and the heat was almost unbearable (sorry to the girls that had to hold my hands while praying…)

I don’t say this to boast…I say it because that is what I want all the time. I want to feel the Holy Spirit. I want to feel God.

Anyway. Go listen to William Fitzsimmons.

Some things I want to do in Dallas:

I would like to visit the flight museum…I think it would be awesome.
http://www.flightmuseum.com/

Of course I have to visit the Dallas Cowboys Stadium since they are my dad’s favorite football team! http://stadium.dallascowboys.com/

Some things I want to do while in Oklahoma:

Sing the entire score of Oklahoma!:

Just kidding…

I do want to relax and visit with Vanessa, Rory and Lana. By the time I go out there, Vanessa will be 34 weeks pregnant so i am sure we will spend a lot of time chatting over coffee (well at least I’ll be dirnking coffee) and watching chick-flicks while eating popcorn and tons of chocolate…because you know Baby Lana has to have chocolate.

The National Cowboy Museum…don’t ask. I like Will Rogers, what can I say?http://www.nationalcowboymuseum.org/

And of course, the site of the Oklahoma City Bombing.    http://www.oklahomacitynationalmemorial.org/

Are there any other places that I should see while I am there?

Also, the people I have been surrounded with. My husband, mom, lifegroup, family and friends.

I have learned much through the process. I learned that sometimes, I cannot grieve alone like I like to do. Sometimes the tears have to fall on someones shoulders. I was able to get a glimpse into motherhood, what it is like to care for someone so completely without ever seeing their face. 

Sometimes my hand still gravitates towards where Lord Voldemort was nestled in my tummy. And while I know that he is no longer there, I know that he has paved the way for our next little one.

On September 25,  which would be mine and Joseph’s 1 year anniversary, we were going to announce that we were expecting an amazing little baby. I would have said that I was due April 14 and that we were hoping it to be a boy (though any sex would do). We would have been congratulated and doted upon. We would have started our baby registry and around Thanksgiving we would have found out the sex of the baby. (And hopefully through the process I would have gotten over my fear of needles…eesh).

But sometimes things don’t work out. On Sunday, September 4th I began the process of miscarrying. I believe we completely lost the baby on Monday. I never really thought about what it would be like to have a miscarriage. I knew many of my loved ones have been through it but I didn’t really know what the process was like and I didn’t know about the physical and emotional pain.

It is surreal. Sometimes, I can’t believe it. After only 8 weeks, the baby had already become such a huge part of Joseph and I. I want so badly to go back.

I would place my hands over my tummy like I was holding the most precious gift, and I was. I wanted to hold him forever, to keep him safe and cradled until he was ready to come out into the world. My hand still wants to go there to protect him, to keep him in place.

My sister had christened the baby with a name: Lord Voldemort. Not a conventional name to give a precious baby, but it was uniquely his none-the-less. Prior to finding out that I was pregnant, Katelyn was looking through a stage-by-stage pregnancy book. While looking at one of the photos of a baby, she exclaimed “that looks like Lord Voldemort.” From then on, the baby in my tummy was known as Lord Voldemort (or Lord Volde for short).

The thought of how big the baby was, how already at 8 weeks, the baby has eyes with eyelids, its little hands and feet are forming. He is about the size of a raspberry. A little raspberry was in my tummy. The thought put me in a constant state of awe – that I was growing a little person.

While there is tremendous sadness and feelings of loss, there are always feelings of happiness – the baby had already brought so much joy to our lives. Joseph and I gained new titles: that of mommy and daddy.

The wound is still fresh, I go through moments of pure sadness thinking of how “I wanted that baby…no other…just that one”. I wonder “why” and “what if”.  But through it all, God is good. He knows the answers to all my “whys” and “what ifs”. And I trust Him with it.

For a slight moment in our lives, we got to experience a different kind of love.  One that will be with us until we pass on.

We cannot thank everyone enough – those that have called, texted and visited. Thank you for loving us.

Exhibit A:

Okay…I made that last one up. But why, oh why, is there a week dedicated to Sharks?
What about the armadillos and aardvark? Why don’t they have a week?

Scientists at the Smithsonian found that the 1979 flick, “The Champ” was the winner.

Since I have never seen the tearjerker, I cannot comment on how valid the answer is but I can list my top 5 tearjerker movies (in no particular order):

1. Titanic – End Scene

I will admit, the first time I saw this movie in the theatre, I was crying the moment the music started at the beginning of the movie. Prior to the movie, (in my 7th grade glory), I had conducted research on the Titanic, the people aboard and its history. I was connected. I felt as if I was a part of this movie. The scene I was to highlight is the end scene; you see old Rose lying on a bed, the camera pans to a line of photographs of young rose doing all of the things that Jack and Rose talked about doing. Then camera then goes through the sunken Titanic, then you are back on the intact ship. You end up at the grande staircase where Jack and Rose are reunited for eternity. Give me a tissue, please.

2. Bambi – Death of Bambi’s Mom

Don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t cry whenever Bambi’s mother was shot. You know you did.

3. Moulin Rouge – Death of Satine

It never fails, every time I watch this movie…which…I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen this movie…I cry. I bawl. I use a whole box of tissues. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return.”

4. Steel Magnolias – M’Lynn’s monologue on Shelby’s Death

This scene is both heartwrenching and funny. “Take a whack at Ouiser!”

5. What Dreams May Come – the whole movie

I bawled throughout this movie. There is so much sadness…and so much beauty.

Some other movies that deserve to be on the list:

Up, Million Dollar Baby, The Notebook, The Lion King, Passion of the Christ….and there are so many more.

What makes your list?